


Love, Loved, lover(s)

by A_Nobelmonster



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Andrew and Jean get the happy ending they deserve, Dubious Consent, Found Family, M/M, OFC - Freeform, OMC - Freeform, Occasional Explicit Language, Recreational Drug Use, Road Trip, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, aftg 2017 bigbang, non-con, past & present abuse, past & present csa, rarepair, sucidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 18:13:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 15,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11629125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Nobelmonster/pseuds/A_Nobelmonster
Summary: When Andrew Doe, at the age of seven, met Jean Moreau while standing the Creekside community gym he thought of the Robin that had flown into the kitchen window that morning. Small, beautiful, trembling. right. Fate is a disservice to the children they were when its sympathy of the firm hand on Jean's neck leading him to the car. Andrew has never met someone he thinks might know him like that. The quiet hiding part. Two years later Andrew gets moved to another foster home, the feeling of losing something important. The weight of losing Jean is as heavy as the car door shutting as he’s taken to yet another home not meant for him. It’s as final too. He’s wrong though, all of that pain is a paper cut compared to being roomed with his childhood friend at sixteen. It's cruel how wounded they both are still. Both a victim in their own save each other.





	1. Ars Gratia Artis

**Author's Note:**

> Omg its finally done ; ; 
> 
> I have had so much help and guidance on this. 
> 
> thank you to Lina, Thea, Joey, Rachel and everyone else who beta'd and held my hand through this process.
> 
> Also to my wonderful young partner who made amazing edits for this piece which you can find on my tumblr, @poze-laceen.

Andrew doesn’t know yet if there is anything to address. Yes they were friends as children but does that hold any weight here? Actually, it was more than a friendship. Friendship is warm afternoons spent biking around together it isn’t curbside confessions of abuse or impromptu Christmases because neither of them were allowed one by the laws of their life. In this first week of seeing Jean again, rooming with him every night has been filled with good things that ache. A feeling closely tied to Jean’s name when Andrew himself recalls it. Memories and dreams, Jean as a child. Jean as he is now. Jean standing in front of Andrew

In these dreams, he hands Andrew a crudely shaped gift. “Do you remember the first year I knew you? you gave me my first Christmas in the States when I told you the Moriyama’s didn’t allow me to celebrate. You stole all the Christmas lights on the block and put them up around the outdoor court.” Jean sounds like he’s smiling just how Andrew sounds like he is telling Jean to stop being so emotional. “You gave me your favorite book because you said, “with a good book you’re never stuck where you are.” I’ve slept with Matilda under my pillow for so long that I couldn’t fall asleep unless I could feel the shape of it.”

Exactly the words Jean said to him the last time they spoke. It was on the morning Andrew left to the next of a series of revolving foster homes. Andrew had given Jean the number of the prepaid phone he had stolen from his foster sister Juanita months ago, the evacuation from the home had not been something Andrew had seen coming either. So it felt like fate that the first and last time Jean called was then. When the call was picked up neither spoke for several minutes. “I won’t be coming back to practice. “ They had prepared for this though, Andrew never stayed in one place for long he did not let either of them delude the fact. Jean didn’t say goodbye but watching him on the field, in their room existing without seeing Andrew gives the memories a finality similar to having your home ripped away from you in a time of war.

They have not changed much. Not enough that either of them would have an arduous time deciphering the feelings of familiarity in each other. Jean is a polished boy shoulders heavy with the pride of his family's association. All handsomely cut hairstyles, neutrally toned button downs and modest rock posters accompanying his walls that state that he is a teenager. coming across as more fabricated than endearing.

The antithesis of Andrew’s image is painfully absurd but thanks to the lack of school regulations is not entirely radical. Black clothing, black wristbands, Andrew somehow fails to be edgy but easily ignored at the same time. He may have textured hair that causes Wymack to throw bandana’s at him nearly every practice for a more practical field of vision but his hazel eyes still have the same bruising underneath. Jean is still as pale as the underside of a water lily never having been exposed to the sun.


	2. The age of marigold and baby's breath

There is nothing to say and then Drake Spears is transferred for the remaining three months of his student teaching as the new freshman/sophomore physical education assistant.

Drake is not a graceful athlete nor is he a graceful abuser but he is careful. He baits Andrew with the looming parents weekend to grant him Andrew’s submission. To settle his tongue. He provides opportunities for them to plausibly be alone. It’s been four months since they have seen each other all Drake has to do is pin him with a gaze, fine silver pins of word affixing his panicked wings to the wall like a moth specimen.

“Oh Aj , calm down it’s alright. “ He slips a finger under the scrunched material of Andrews wrist band fingering the small ridged scars. “See this is why you need me, you're so self-destructive. You need a firm hand to guide you.” Drake's hand cups his wrist bring it to his mouth. “What would mom say?” seeds of guilt sewing into the tilled surface of Andrews arms to take up malevolent roots.

“Let me help you little brother.”


	3. Fair weather

Drake helps Andrew into a limp, into a bruised body that cloaks and conceals. Now Andrew never told Jean about this. The abuse ? yes. The constant sexual assault that had him contemplating suicide at 9? Of course not. They were comrades in arms because they both got beat like rugs after the winter not because Andrew’s step-father played ‘how much do you really want the pain to stop, show me Andrew.” at the ripe age of seven.

The interesting part is not the way Jean startles in bed when Andrew drags himself through the door finally looking at Andrew like a real life person but the recognition. Oh that's interesting. It’s not the sympathetic kind that got them where they are now in the first place. It’s a look that says i know how you feel but not because i want to. And that well, that's almost enough to make them feel like friends again. But Andrew can’t get past the disgust .

Because there are exactly three individuals in Jean Moreau’s life allowed close enough for that intimacy. The prospect of any or a combination of those individuals is equal with the hot brimstone in his hell seeking vengeance. A divine retribution dragged up from the days of cain welts on the juvenile calves of his best friend.

“Who was it Jean? Was it your master? Was it his lap dogs? Or did you get tired of being their whipping boy deciding to earn their favor with your last pound of flesh.”

What a way to say hello.

“They would never. That’s not. Andrew don’t -don’t ask questions you don’t want to answer yourself.”

“Oh you see your wrong there Jean. I have answers for you, do you want to hear them? Because i have questions for you. So lets play a game. A truth for a truth, I’ll give you something good Jean. That foster dad i told you about? He put his hands on me to beat the shit out of me but that's not where his hands stopped. Did you want me to do tell you then that i wasn’t a virgin because Mark Greene liked the difference between the soft skin of little boys and the calluses of his own hands? Well he’s not the only one. Every foster home had a new monster not one i could hid from under the covers. And some monsters Jean, they get a taste for flesh, a specific piece of ass that they hunt down and no one can stop because you call that monster your foster brother. Or teacher now. So Jean why don’t you tell me who the fuck couldn’t keep their hands off of the cookie jar?” 

“Oh god, oh my god.” They both know that no amount of head shaking or covering his eyes will take jean away from this moment right here right now. It will not close the damn because the door that had been closing this all away was rusted beyond repair, that door is broken and the resulting flood cannot be stopped just by wishing it away.

Knowledge has a price and it must be paid.

“No god Jean, just me, you and tainted childhoods. See, if you don’t want to talk that's fine. We are not 8 anymore but if you can’t be honest. If you don’t want to lay your cards out on the table stay out of my business. Keep your mouth shut or no amount of bruises we shared as kids will stop me from shutting your mouth for you.”


	4. Pisces

Injured like betas put in the same tank. Mesmerizing expanses of fine night blue skin. Attacking again and again. Post-verbally, pre-verbally.

After that night they are not speaking to each other. again. On the field Jean reprimands much to Wymacks dismay and Tetsuji’s satisfaction.

“Stay in the net number 7.”

“Play like you mean it, damn it.” Andrew doesn’t mean it , which they all know but its the only time Jean is ever vocal. He’s relegating Andrew to a playing number but he’s talking at least. In the bruised muscle of his heart there had been an ache to see Jean again. To talk like they had before. Andrew finds himself continuing to poke the pool of broken blood vessels compulsively.

It’s like a drug the way he doesn’t even mind the sharp cold of crashing later where jean will not make eye contact with Andrew so Andrew is forced to stay in dorm parties or the library to excavate the silence burrowing under his skin.

-

Andrew is a person that likes to run away from himself. He likes the destruction because he has only ever heard to build something out of himself without receiving any tools.

And of his secrets he does not expect the cutting to be the biggest problem but it is and he hates it. While No one notices him enough or suspects such a proclivity to self harm from him. He still has to work to hid it. Scars spur natural curiosity, they demand a story. there is indeed a specific story to each date that does not allow for one tragic Monday to be similar to another.

There are plenty of stories to give, if anyone wants to hear but they don’t. His story would be that the incisions are tallies for every time Drake put his hands on Andrew since the start of the year. His chapters would be titled after the date of each scar because in the store room of his brain. It is not simply years of molestation it is saga of physical vivisection.

He cannot deny his own pain with the markers on his skin. When his body has healed he cannot repress and he will not let himself. They say that on this once hallowed ground there was tragedy. Andrew doe is a battleground. If he is turned into a memorial or wasteland that remains to be seen.


	5. Counting stars

Alarm.

Jean looks alarmed and....scared? For Andrew? He’s holding his water bottle beside Tetsuji mingling with the crowd of parents. He looks like sure a good son with his slicked backed hair completing the expensive radiant smile he also wears. Thats is also fake. No one can truly be that happy with their abuser.

Maybe that's why Jean looks so shocked because Andrew is also smiling. Not as bright, it barely cuts into his face but it's there whenever Cass’s roaming eye’s comeback to the shore of his face. He should have never let her become the focus point of feeling safe but it’s happened and it's the only thing keeping him walking with Drake at his back.

There is a hickey on his collarbone barely low enough to be covered by his shirt, several on his thighs. Drake had thought it would be torture to mark him while he had Andrew on his bed yesterday so he had to carry that shame into the next day but just knowing that he can never tell Cass that Drake is raping him because she’ll never chose his side is worse.

“Mr, um, Tetsuji was it? Your Andrew’s coach right?” Mr. Spears is talking to Jean about his chances on making it to court leaving Cass under the cold shine of the varsity coaches attention. They are at the picnic tables covered in glass jars of lemonade , sparkling water and raspberry lime tea. The whole area has been decorated with flowering stone pots with a distinct Southern Living magazine vibe. If he could do anything right now it would be to peel off his shoes taking off through the grass without ever slowing down.

“Tetsuji, yes.” The older man emphasises every couple of letters in a way that Cass’s english and limited spanish understanding cannot fully perform. Drake is not doing nearly as good a job as he thinks smothering his lecherous thinking. Andrew can feel the rigidness against his side, Drake no doubt thinking about ruining this day in a new awful way. “Your foster child Andrew is quite a good player. If he focused and was more disciplined i could see him going to Court. Maybe by the time he is a senior that will be a reality, we would like to move him to varsity string next year. “

Its Andrew's turned to be shocked now. Though rather because he had never heard Tetsuji say that many words in one sentence before. This draws Mr. Spears attention from Jean looking pleased. Andrew and the oldest male Spears had never connected much. Andrews enjoyment of punk music and dyed hair has made it difficult for the more traditional man to see eye to eye with him. Due to Cass’s insistence they had gone on a few fishing trips over the summer but Andrew had enjoyed simply being outdoors leaving the event to be quiet time rather than bonding. Other than that exy was the main topic of conversation at the dinner table since most parties involved had a basic understanding/appreciation of the sport.

“You hear that Andrew? I told you if you put in the effort you could do a lot with exy. Even your coach thinks so. “ He wishes that Mr. Spears wouldn’t look at him with pride like that. Andrew has only ever had foster fathers that have taken advantage of his body by taking or breaking it. He wants to tell Mr.Spears he doesn’t know what to do with this proper sort of affection. Nodding dumbly Andrew waits for someone else to take over the conversation sparing him.

“If he becomes more serious, practices harder, puts in the time. Stops beings so frivolous.” Tetsuji lazily point to Andrew’s pink hair. Temporarily he forgets the undercurrent of fear in his belly to be angry. His hair, his music even his cutting are attempts to take back his own flesh when he cannot. Fuck anyone who judges him for it. Fuck Tetsuji who is no better than Drake for taking advantage of someone he should be caring for.

“I don’t see how Andrews hair color has anything to do with him playing. He is a good student and you said you already wanted him for varsity next year. I guess i’m a little confused on what point you're trying to make.” Just for now, just this time Andrew lets himself think that the Spears would still want him if they knew. That he would look back in his corner to see them.

“ It is silly. Instead of concerning himself with his physical appearance-”

“ It’s silly that a teacher should be judging a teenager for being what he is, a teenager. We will discuss the prospect of varsity next year as a family and if Andrew decides he tolerate such a judgmental atmosphere we will let you know. Have a good day, It was a pleasure meeting you Jean.” Cass takes Andrews hand angrily trudging away to the snack table on the other side of the lawn where his Lit. teacher, the school nurse Abbey and Wymack are all eating. Several minutes later Cass looks at him as if she has admonished herself quite severely during the walk.

“I’m sorry about that Andrew. I’m not sorry i said what i did , That coach should not have tried to make you feel bad like that but i’m sorry for causing a scene. That being said if he tries to harasses you because of this i want you to tell us. Adults that bully children shouldn’t be allowed around them or to get away with you understand?” The hand against his neck fosters a sense of trust that is not natural to Andrew but he wants it to be.

“Yes, Cass.” Andrew see’s Wymack look at the Spears family awkwardly shuffling towards them with a sense of duty.

“Now, is this teacher a douche too or can i smile at him?”

“Mom!-” It is Andrew’s personal opinion that a child rapist should not ever be able to sound that exasperated over a mundane profanity.

“Cassander please do not call Andrew’s teachers douches.” Mr.Spears tone and expression lack the proper weight for his words to be taken seriously, even more so when Andrew breaks into startled laughter causing the older Spears to giggle too. He can’t remember the last time he laugh this openly, it hurts his face and stomach muscles in the best way and for once and maybe the only time ever Andrew thinks that he is glad to have an eidetic memory.


	6. children of the Pietà

The winter is hard.

A natural force designed to kill , Christmas approaches quickly a stop light in front of Andrew who is a car moving too quickly to avoid it. Four weeks to go bring new weight to his shoulders with every passing second.

He wakes up in the morning with two options. To be or not to be. Andrew looks to the family photo on his wall forcing himself out of bed each time.

It’s not a light choice though it is a reassuring one. His feet begin to take him to the bridge that crosses the pond to the sports field over and over because there he is allowed his ugly thoughts. Watching the water Andrew Joseph Spears is just Andrew. He is no one's son or student with any of the responsibility of the titles. He belongs to himself.

And the water if he chooses.

Out of the corner of his eye Andrew can see someone standing at the mouth of the bridge as still as he is, the blue shine of the thin ice coating the pond blinds him with morning light distracting just enough that he doesn’t care. The person approaches him after several minutes of their stalemate close enough to register the the presence of Coach Wymack.

“Classes started Andrew. What are you doing standing out here in the cold?” Trying not to think, trying to be ok enough that no one asks questions. He doesn’t say anything but he uses his ungloved hands to shade his eyes looking at Wymack directly. Wymacks bloodhound nose for tragedy must pick up on the way Andrews body is holding itself so poorly together.

“Are you ok?” It sounds well meaning and Andrew knows Wymack is speaking with sincerity. Laughter bursts out of his mouth subdued in a tainted way upon contact with the air. 

“Yeah coach , i’m just you know doing teenager stuff. Skipping class, questioning my existence. I’ve been reading a lot of Sylvia Plath.” Wymacks bomber jacket is an army green color that looks very military oriented in addition with his stoic expression he doesn’t look nearly as gentle as he really is. Andrew has never liked holiday breaks which is no secret. So when Wymack asks if it’s the upcoming holiday it’s safe enough to nod yes.

Andrew sits down on the red painted wood of the bridge dangling his feet above the water arms encircling the bars. Everything is so cold that his fingers are clumsy and he welcomes the bite of frozen air into his tense lungs.

the water doesn't look deep but he knows better, that it is a mystery that involves tactical knowledge to be known. If he wants to know how deep it can go he has to find out for himself. Benzodiazepine sings in his Cass’s voice that at the bottom of the river is an answer that Andrew has been seeking like it was laid between the A and T of his dna. The railing is cool even through the blood on his palm and the sky is bright and compared to most of his run ins with death this does not feel like a bad day to die. The river runs syrup slow with Andrew unafraid of melting into it.

“If i go home for break i might not come back.” It would be painful to come back to the abuse after weeks of freedom. It would be heartbreaking.

“What does that mean? “ For the very thing Andrew had berrerated Jean he can not say. It would have been better if Andrew had thrown himself off the damn bridge instead of waiting, timing, thinking about what ifs.

“Nothing coach, i just. It’s not important I just really hate school.” What Andrew really hates is when his eyes are open .

Wymacks mouth flattens into a line before remembering the cooling coffee thermos between his hands using the space between them to take a thoughtful drink.

“You know there will be a lot of the team staying over break. You know how it is with all these CEO parents. Maybe you should stay and benefit from someone on one training. Kevin wants to hold a mini training camp to go over Raven techniques. I’m sure the Spears would understand with the Tournament next month.”

He can’t smoke or take out his razor resting in his pocket so he sets the tip of his thumb between his eye teeth chewing on the nail there. Not an awful idea, not the talk concerning speculations of abuse Andrew expected either. It would be an easy out.

Cass would be disappointed true, since Drake was supposed to be with his girlfriend's family during break meaning the next holiday in March when Andrew would stay at the school a second break they would miss each other again. A nearly complete family each time. He would be safe for the two weeks of winter break before seeing him again. Cass wouldn’t understand why Andrew would be eager to stay away from home but she would say she did. She would tell Andrew that he could stay and have fun. “Be a kid Andrew, you're allowed to.”

He had already decided.

He’d suck it up and go home enjoying what he could.

On spring break he would call her every other day. He would. He would call her and tell her he loved her. He just needed time. For choices that would haunt him and the effects they would cause. It would give him enough time later.

“I can't. Someone needs to makes sure Day doesn’t burn himself out on the court though.” Wymack tries to not look relieved or concerned with lessening tension but he still smiles a bit at Andrew who feels more settled with his choice. That person won’t be andrew this time but soon. The water still calls to him.

He doesn’t take Wymack’s hand walking back to campus but the feeling implies itself leaving Andrew warmer than he had been.


	7. Flower through disarray

“Do you think stars have feelings?”

“What the fuck Nicky-” Aaron stops from adjusting the towel on his hip to glare at his cousin.

“No i’m serious, we're all made out of the same stuff. Do you think they feel too?” Jeremy looks like he is contemplating it honestly, which is probably because he is. Jeremy is just the type of person to give others his earnest attention like that.

“If they do that could mean that it's possible that they fall in love with each other. Laila says the sun and moon are lesbeians because they revolve around each other so beautifully. I feel like it’s possible.” Aaron looks at his twin obviously hoping to be backed up in telling Nicky to fuck off this early in the morning.

Andrew shrugs not looking to comply with anything at seven in the morning. The silver dollar sized bruise on Jeans hip and the raised line over one thigh come into Andrew’s vision again. Jean is doing a good job of being discreet at the back of the locker room that allows for the least amount of his body to be noticed through dressing or undressing but teenage boys are assholes.

“Jean, dude . everytime i see you there is a new bruise. Who the hell are you hooking up with? You need to tell them to go easy on you. We need to save some skin for our match against WestBrook.” Matt understands that pointing out the mark is a mistake later by the way Jean pales as most of the locker rooms attention is focused on the tall boy. Matt by nature is just as alarmingly bright in disposition as Jeremy and like Jeremy he doesn’t like to make others feel bad so he’s back tracking but it's too late.

“ I’m not surprised. You got legs for days Jean and that Southern accent. Makes sense. Like i’m pretty sure that you have a bigger fan club than Riko at our games which says a lot.” Riko , in question is still in the showers which accounts for the way Jeans shoulders are not nearly as tense. Nicky doesn’t seem to notice Jean’s discomfort clearly lost in thought.

Kevin frown shrugging his Irish flag t-shirt on, “Are you hooking up with someone? You never said anything?.” The sweatbands at Andrews wrists are damp from the locker room and uncomfortable. The conversation he could stand by itself but the rubbing at the healing cut along with the humidity makes his heart beat harder in building anger.

“Jesus fuck it’s a miracle, Kevin Day alive and talking about something other than exy. I bet you’re just asking because you’re so attracted to your racquet being with a person goes against everything you know.” Andrews anger usually finds an outlet in walls or Kevin’s face. The verbal attack doesn’t only startle himself. Kevin blushes while Andrew is busy slamming the locker door closed and escaping for a cigarette before he’s subjected to anymore talk.

God how fucking stupid would they feel if they knew what Andrew did? Would it make them sick to know about the way Jean comes back to the room trying not to wake Andrew up from the pain as he slips off whatever messed up costume he’s been forced into wearing. Would they care and if they did what would they say about Andrew-

The thoughts are foreboding considering Seth’s venomous mouth, Andrews past and the next time he has p.e. So he doesn’t dwell. Instead opting for the West side dorms to share a bottle of rum with Renee in her room.

And so it goes. Andrew runs but he also subjects himself to the miasma of heavy thoughts. He is a masochist of a survivor with poor preservation skills but he’s spent long enough learning how to quiet himself. It’s just another Saturday.


	8. Sanctuary of bruised violets

“Is that a hickey Andrew?” Neil is a oblivious mystery most of the time and yet it seems like socializing with the team is bringing him up to speed just fine.

Their on the roof smoking. Well Andrew is. Neil spend most of his time with a lit cigarette watching students congregating on the lawn below and staring at Andrew. It’s a month for mistakes the only saving grace is that Neil is made up of secrets himself so he’ll keep his mouth shut.

The smaller blond doesn’t want to call it a hickey, a word that sounds much more fun than the actual events that gave him the bruise. How Drake had sent him into the gym’s store room before following in several minutes later. How he had bent Andrew over a stack of old blue mats tying his wrists behind his back with abandoned jump ropes from the corner before rucking up his shirt. How he keeps Andrew compliant, soft by talking about Cass. Threats turning into liquid seeping like sludge down his throat. “Shhh you're ok, i got you. Calm down. Just be a good boy for me ok? And i won’t have to tell mom about those scars. Thats right, we gotta be quiet Drew .” Doing everything in his power to fracture Andrew’s mouth open in a scream. When he bites down in a place that has Andrew scrambling with panic, just below his jawline Drake takes hold of his hair drawing his head back to slap his cheek despite the awkward position. “Children should be seen and not heard Andrew.”

It makes him sick to clamp his hand over Neil’s mouth but the demonstrative memory sticks as old gum to cement. This cannot be happening , Andrew cannot let it. He has spent so much blood and time to hide the rotting under his skin. Alarm shakes the white noise in his brain causing it to penetrate each cell until the fact that he isn’t breathing takes him back to the cell of his body.

“Listen closely Neil. I really do hate repeating myself. It is not what you think it is and you better keep those thoughts to yourself.” As a child Andrew was broken of wishing but the moment stirs a desire in him to a have a physical way of defending himself from the ignorant mouths of others. Claws, a gun, a way to halt tongues thats touch the truth before the minds that wield them understand.

He’s done a lot of running lately so the hand he slides off of Neil's mouth comes with an ultimatum.

“Sit down and shut the fuck up or go bother someone else Josten.” It’s a thick silence but Neil evaporates the tension by holding out his hand for another cigarette before laying on his back to watch the clouds. Not commenting on Andrews steady chain smoke in the hours after they stop talking.

It’s not an easy quiet but its a safe one that reminds Andrew of being eleven and scared and leaning against Jean in the community centers parking lot waiting for the other boy to get picked up despite no coming for Andrew. Tetsuji was always late to pick up Jean , Andrew would get beat not matter how early or late he came home so they stayed companions in the dry pine dust of the late evening.

Is there ever going to be a limit to how much he misses someone who sleeps beside him, aching because it’s not the same as it once was?

Considering the slick grip of nostalgia, Andrew thinks he may have to learn to function with the burning in his esophagus just the same as any other pain.

Neil’s hums and Andrews eats the silence.


	9. The Diophante hierophant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Christmas episode

Bean was the nickname of a tall pole of a child with personally hacked away cropped blond hair and green eyes. The other kids at the foster home said she was a tomboy though now that he thinks about it androgynous would be a better fitting term. Bean did not like to be called a girl, he was the one foster sibling Andrew had wanted to keep in contact when moved to the next home.

Bleaching his hair to dye it bright colors was only one of the things he taught him, he also taught him how to recognize the difference between an inconvenience and a hardship. A hardship was not dropping out of boarding school so he didn’t have to face daily abuse. An inconveniences was both Drake still bullying him from text messages to humiliate Andrew as well as Cassy buying the family ugly sweaters for family photos.

He texts Bean waiting for Mr.Spears to set up the tripod. Andrew wouldn’t of forgotten to with how his memory is, unforgiving, but he might lose the will to later. Bean was a kindred spirit understanding how rapidly people could change so Andrew felt it would be good to keep that in his corner. They sent messages to each other sometimes on myspace when Andrew hadn’t had a phone in the past. More family than Nicky, the Spears or even his own twin at times.

“Andrew.”

Bean had come out as transgender with a bright new better fitting name just like Andrew now had Spears to end his.

“Andrew, honey please put down the phone so we can take the picture.” She puts one of the cats wearing reindeer horns in his arms which he pretends to hate though thinks it’s much better having prissy paw stand in for Drake than Drake standing beside him. “Look a little less pained Andrew.”

Easier said than done with the plug situated uncomfortably in him. Drake had texted him this morning knowing that it was family photo day threatening him to put in the plug so that when Drake would text at random times Andrew could take a picture as proof that he was following instructions. The older man hadn’t needed a threat there was enough that he could hang over Andrew's head. The cutting, the near failing p.e. Grade, being gay.

Cass looks at him drawing a smile on her face hoping he will mirror it, its stupid enough that he does smile a bit in spite of himself earning the rapid click of the camera’s remote as she moves quickly to capture the expression. Mr. Spear looks fondly at his mildly flailing wife. Prissy stops trying to escape his arms to watch too.

Somehow Cass always manages to make Andrew feel less dirty , unworthy of love than he really is. The ‘set’ of mistletoe and pine branches from outback shift around as do costumes for the next picture. His foster mother gives him a saucy wink handing over a cup of eggnog that smells illegal to drink.

“Really Cassandra? Are you trying to get Andrew drunk for our family photos?” Though Mr. Spears doesn’t put down his own cup.

Cass’s cheeks are rosy with laughter. “Andrew you’ve had alcohol before.” she waits for him to dutifully nod trying not to feel ashamed that she knows that. “See? And it’s the holidays. A little brandy wont hurt him.” It doesn’t hurt him. It warms his tense muscles pleasantly making it a bit easier to stomach how many photos of naked Andrew Drake has on his phone for blackmail from just today.

For the last picture she has then all leaning against the fireplace or laying down with tinsel and christmas ornaments everywhere. Prissy is in the center drinking from a cup with a bottle of brandy beside it to make her look like she’s getting wasted. Cass says she’s going to put ‘party hard’ on it in bright blue font to send to her sister who also is good humoured.

There is a lot of green plastic strips in his dyed pink hair, the color contrast makes them easier to spot thankfully. Cass doesn’t stop laughing the entire time she helps him pick them out , the situation devolves when Mr.Spears has cass hold Prissy so that he can clean her off with the vacuum hose.

He feels light. It was a good choice coming home instead of staying at school trying to run from the Spears. Not even Drakes sudden texting when his foster parents ask if he wants to watch movies with them in the living room after they finish cleaning completely ruins him. Andrew stall for as long as possible before politely declining to go to his room.

“Send a picture in the next five minutes A.J. “

“Now you’ve made me wait i want a video too.”

Consistent abusive training over the year let’s Andrews body go on autopilot turning on Three Days Grace in his stereo to block out any noise, angling his hand for a better view of the plug as he pushes it into him with exaggerated finesse. The video sends at 1 minute and 43 seconds, grainy quality but you can see his thighs shaking so Drake will probably be happy with that considering how big the plug is.

“There’s my little slut.” He gets in response. Andrew never texts back unless he is told to.

“Tell me you love being full.”

“I love being full thank u.” Its just another bad thing to avoid in the storerooms of his mind. He has plenty already so it’s fine. He pulls up his pants moving to the floor to listen to Cass’s voice, indistinct but soothing.

-

One of the rules had been that Andrew can go out as long as he tells them where he’ll be and when he’s coming home.

“You don’t have to tell us everything. That is my one request though, that you tell us so we know you're safe. Just don’t lie. And If you need to get picked up from a place for whatever reason i’ll be there for you Andrew. I want you to feel like you can come to us. I want us to be the foster home that works out.” Mr.Spears didn’t look like he disagreed with his wife though he said nothing with his eyes on tv screen he did nod in agreeance.

“Fine.”

“I’m going to Johnny’s.” his foster mother looked pretty standing in front of the oven with her hair in a bun decorating sugar cookies. There was a hesitation like she wanted ask him to stay to spend time with them.

“Unless you want me to stay?” Andrew could be reading into it with his own selfish desires of family.

“Andrew, goodness, go be a kid and have fun. We’re fine here just try to come back early tomorrow if you stay over? I’ll need help in the kitchen.” Every year the week before christmas is filled with baking. Cass makes goods to send to family, for christmas day and to take to New Hope the local battered womens shelter.

“Alright, I'll call if i’m going to spend the night. Bye Cass .” She must know that he’s going to Johnny’s to get high because his dad is never home but she lets him go anyways. Love is not a name he knows in his own language but it’s feeling more and more comfortable in his body everyday he is with the Spears.

Its why he started cutting. He started when they decided to send him to boarding school, Cass told him that it wasn’t them getting rid of him it was them investing in Andrew. They wanted to adopt him soon. It wouldn’t be long before Drake was out of the house busy with his girlfriend so it was a reminder for Andrew to hold on.

That he could endure for this.

Johnny opens the door with a shotgun, blunt in his fingers gripping the door frame as he leans in close to Andrews mouth breathing smoke on him.

“Merry Christmas Andrew. Wanna get blazed in honor of Jesus?” Coming from the taller boy’s Italian accent it didn’t even sound like blasphemy just another form of prayer. Johnny also made kissing other boys feel like a right of teenage life rather than a secret.

“You sure you have enough weed for that Johnny?” Of course he did, Johnny’s effervescent mother Delilah was fucking a drug dealer with a soft spot for ruining youth. He was never in short supply. Hence Johnny’s gift for Andrew, he gives him when they are both seated on the couch. A sandwich baggie full of marijuana, a blown glass owl pipe and lap full of warm boy that smelled like popcorn in a surprisingly nice way.

The best thing about Johnny is how he can talk forever only needing a little input to keep going. He also always seems to know what Andrew needs.

“Tell me where i can touch you.” This was started the first few drunken times they would make out. After the second time touching back made Andrew get sick Johnny started asking where he could touch.

He asked not just where but for permission to touch Andrew which was overwhelming so he tried say ‘do whatever you want’ but he did want someone to ask him first. Presented with the option for a hookup to be consensual Andrew found that he liked that idea.

It must have showed, his hands were brushed away when they tried undoing the dark haired boys shirt buttons. Hands that covered his own holding them stationary over a heavy pulse.

“This isn’t fun if one of us looks like they're about to cry ‘Drew.”

“Fuck off i’m not-”

“Me, i'm gonna cry if you keep trying to make this like something you have to do ‘stead of want to. I like you Andrew, no matter how weird that hair of yours is.” The Spear’s house is approximately two miles aways. If he left on his bike then he could make it in thirty minutes. His legs want to move but his hands stand drawn to Johnny's enjoying the warmth.

“We can also just get high and talk poetry.” This kid. Even when Andrew's being difficult he tries to give him an out that doesn’t ruin their friendship.

“Neck, hair and dick.” There is a nanosecond of confusion before Johnny nods with a genial smile pouring into his face like honey. “Where can i touch?” he has less experiences with consent than force but its a two way street he knows that.

“Everywhere.” He can only imagine what that must be like to have a canvas free of landmines that allows others to touch without fear of implosion. “I’ll tell you if it changes, now can i blow you?”

“Hair and dick,” hand down Andrews jeans the other boys jacking him off before he’s even finished smoking. Drake may not be at home but he’s close enough through Andrews phone that this is pushing his limits. Somehow it feels right too though an act of rebellion as his hips pull up into calloused gentle hands. Like he’s saying, “you may dirty this body Drake but i still own it , it’s mine to do with what i want no matter how hard you try to collar me.”Short and sweet the smaller boys orgasm hits faster with the thc in his bloodstream. Then he’s too tired to think of bad things.

Johnny scoots to flop down on the opposite end of the couch with a wet stain on the front of his pants tired by recent endeavours. While Andrews packing the bong on the coffee table Johnny stares at him.

“So??? Tell me about fancy fuck boarding school you’ve been trapped at. Dude, Does everyone have like yachts and shit??” Andrew got to go there because Mr.Spears had been a teacher at the school for 20 years. Other than that the Spears were very middle class with a mortgage on their house and cars to pay off. They still had more money than all of his previous foster homes combined which is why he got along with Johnny who was poor as fuck so well.

“ Super entitled. One of my classmates is going on an Alaskan cruise with his friends not even as a christmas gift just ‘cause his dad felt bad he’d be to busy working. Every time a new ipod drops his dad sends it to him. “

“Man fuck him-”

“-Anyways whatever, some of them aren’t total douches the people on my team are ok.”

The cheeto house on the coffee table where Johnny has moved to to build wobbles.

“I have so many important questions now that i know your people are filthy rich. Do they have the good kush? You hooking up with anyone? What do their field trips look like cause i'm imagining like “Class since we’ve been studying these French caves were going there for a week because we have your parents credit cards on file. Pack a scarf kiddos.”

Two seconds pass before he can’t deny the laughter bubbling in his throat anymore. Andrew has other people to hang out with from jr.high in the area if he wants to but Johnny is who he wants to hang out with at any given time. No one else is as easy to get along with. No matter how many times they hook up they can always keep it light, there is never any possessiveness when talking about other people just...care. Johnny asking if other people are treating him ok.

“I’ve only smoked there once with this kid named Seth and i’m pretty sure it was Oregano because i wanted pasta afterwards. No i wouldn’t let any of those entitled babies near me. “ Ignoring Drake because that's a moot point in his life sexual or not. “Also Haven’t gone on any field trips other than to the lake for biology.”

“Hey Johnny, you planning on becoming FBI?” the teen in question doesn’t look up even when Andrew reaches his hand out. “Because you sure are being nosy.” Johnny flails to keep his balance after the shock of his nose being flicked. The corn snack infrastructure that had been built during their conversation falls onto the dingy beige carpet.

“If I was FBI i’d through your ass in jail for destruction of property.”Andrew doesn’t point out that that’s not even FBI jurisdiction too content with the toothy grin on his friends face while he’s trying to be serious. An unnatural emotion for the Italian.

They lapse into silence dozing on the floor and couch before one of their stomachs gurgles.

“You spending the night? Cause i’m going to make a nasty amount of spaghetti and i’m probably going to need help eating it..” He pretends to consider it but Drake is going to a lodge with bad cell reception and Cass said it was ok to be here so he can’t think of a place he’d rather be.

“Fine, fine, since your guilting me into it i guess i will but there better be garlic bread and i want pepperoncini's too.” They take turns helping each other from their sitting positions going to the kitchen. Johnny doesn’t let go of his hand even as he calls Andrew a bastard heathen for trying to mess up perfectly good food when he suggests they put pepperoni in the food as well.

He knows that this little safe haven he’s built is unsustainable but Andrew lets himself close his eyes while he sits on the counter listening to Johnny cook and imagines that this is how it will be for him eventually.


	10. The heart falls from the body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time skip 2 weeks

The night of their away game in Georgia is heady thing. The hotels air conditioning is too stuffy, the balmy night breeze is too humid. Andrew doesn’t want to leave. On the window bench he lets the frivolity of escaping consume him. That he might leave through the back exit of the hotel running fast and far to a sleepy town that only cares whether or not the crops do well that year.

Maybe someone would take him in as a farm hand. Let him rise with the sun to feed baby calves that smell of warm wood stables. Driving through corn fields or picking gooseberries that later would be put on fresh lemon corn cake bright with blackberries in the batter smoothed with whipped cream.

Andrew can’t stop the dusty paint peeling town in Ghost Boy from becoming something short of oasis in the night. Not when he is waiting for jean to come back to their hotel room though he knows that after one a.m. the chances become more slim.

He has no plans but his daydreams become more practical as they shift to pulling the fire alarm. Forcing every exy player, captain and assistant captain stripped down to sleep wear on the dry grass lawn of the court yard. How many people would see Jean coming from a room he should not at a time that is more than suspicious? The chances of questions are good. Andrew doesn’t have answers to anything though and that stops him.

For a plan to work the how of during and after are of equal importance. Questions are asked about Jeans familial arrangement and then what, he goes to foster care? Gets emancipated? The paperwork let alone the spectacle would take months. It would take Jean away from him as well.

Andrew shouldn’t want to save him.

There have been many times where someone ignorant of Andrew’s life has offered advice on par with those thoughts. Step-siblings in better homes that asked why Andrew didn’t just run, Friends that said if their old man got up in their face like that they would deck them. People who did not understand that the reach of abuse can be longer than that of the law.

That Andrew has not gone to the river to offer himself as sacrifice turning away in the end only because he has someone he is fighting for. That Cass Spears is the first woman to hold him tight not minding the sharp edges. That she had extended her hand asking for him to be family, asking to be allowed to love him. His situation is a balancing act and he and Jean are walking a tight rope over a canyon that is farther, more dangerous than it should be. Than anyone should be able to endure. The farther they go the more the rock wall crumbles extending their journey.

For his whole life Andrew has been told to apply himself so he does. He knows that if he takes the time to set up a plan for both Drake and Tetsuji that they have a chance.

Does Jean want to be free? Is he desperate just short of chaotic like Andrew is?

Jean had accepted the olive branch of their youth. Andrew tries to stop the manic tapping against the hardcover in his lap but the idea looms over him, that there is a very real chance Jean’s fingers have been broken too many times to accept anything.


	11. What liars say

The position Jean puts Andrew in coming back to the room clutching his side with exhaustion at five a.m. is…. difficult. He can’t say anything to anyone, Jean wont talk to him and he can’t help. In all the abusive foster homes Andrew has been in its the enforced gag order towards recognizing abuse that unravels him fastest.

It’s Jeans lack of surprise that cracks at the disgruntled veneer Andrew wears when all he wants to do is not be in the room pretending everything is normal. Andrew is hurting not for himself but for Jean and he’s not allowed to show it because of Jean. There is just so so much anger boiling as if he is the ocean blooming hot with underwater volcanoes. He has never been calm. The hurt is a cancerous things that makes him want to make Jean tear away his skin, to say that he is exposed, bleeding just like Andrew. Andrew wants to Kill Tetsuji . He wants for them to just be two boys that loved each other from so early on.

And hurting Jean seems like a cardinal sin but he’s on his feet corning Jean without meaning to. Pouring the anguish crawling from dendrite to synapses over and over again in the cruelest words his larynx find.

“ For someone trying to keep a secret you're doing an awful job.” Jean moves for his bed , Andrews fingers circle the taller boys thin wrists to keep him cuffed , not letting him escape as he has so many nights before. “Jean, Jean, Jean. You know as well as anyone else that Wymack gets up early. Is this self-sabotage? Do you want to admit to the teams bleeding heart that you’ve got more ouchies than you should?” As if he thinks he can wait out Andrews targeted offense Jean goes pliantly still. The type of still that comes from a victim used to seeing through a storm. Pure pain oozes out of Andrew’s heart intent on shredding itself.

“Andrew, let me go please.”

“Don’t. Don’t say that word Jean you know i don’t like it.” The effort it is taking to stay present in this pain is as difficult as the expression Jean is wearing.

Jean’s hand slowly cups Andrews cheek, touching him for the first time in four years with reserved softness he is not worthy of.

“I’ve only got two more years. I’ll be ok. I’ll get drafted and get as far away as i can.” Tetsuji will never let Jean go. At ten that is one of the first dark truths Jean gave Andrew. Tetsuji would rather kill his pets than set them free. Andrew hates lying. He grabs the hand on his face pulling Jean down so that they are barely two separate people. .

“I hate liars Jean. We are much too old for that. Telling those kinds of stories has its price now. He is going to kill you one of these days and you're going to die like a dog in the street unless you do something but you won’t and we both know that.” His head knocking into the door sounds like a clap of thunder taking him minutes to place that it was his body and not nature. That is was was Jean pushing him.

“And you won’t too Andrew? Do you think i haven’t noticed those wrist bands? I know when someone is trying to hide. Do not give me bullshit about bravery when you are no better.” Andrew bit his lip in the fall, he doesn’t bother to wipe it as he swings up at Jeans nose. Neither had been expecting retaliation but they fall into fighting as old lovers fall into bed. Jean stumbles into the bed frame twisting so that Andrews lunge at him sends Andrew into the side table jostling the lamp and Jean is pressed against the curtains.

“ You don’t know what your talking about. We are not the same Jean Moreau. I was born in the gutter, it is where i belong. I am not like you, i don’t have something that can take me away from this. You say you're going court, that you’ll pick a far away team but I know scouts have been coming around and you haven’t said anything yet because your a fucking coward.”

The wall is Andrews next target , if he faces Jean now he’s going to break more than the french natives teeth. “I hate this. Fuck.” in a slow controlled collapse Andrew sinks to a crouch on the ground screwing his eyes shut tight. He can hear Jean slump against the hollow metal of the ac unit.

It smells like tobacco and cold water from the window that’s still open.

“I’m sorry. I can’t go against him Andrew, he owns me.” They are both so tired. Andrews fingers slide over his scars printing half moons into the fresh wounds. Only a pinpirck of bright pain holding him steady. From the way Jean inhales jerkily Andrew can tell that he’s bleeding.

“We could help each other. I will take care of tetsuji. I’ll make it so he will never be able to hurt any of you again. If you help me with drake. We took care of each other once.”

“how are you going to take care of Tetsuji. What does that mean?”

“In whatever way i have to to get him away from you, so that he isn’t hurting you anymore.”

“even if that means killing him? Tetsuji won’t let me go that easily. He would sooner destroy me. You would have to kill him Andrew.”

“If that’s what it takes then.”

“Are you serious?”

“Were you serious? When you said you wanted to be happy? When you told me you wanted to hold your own future in your hands? Because i don’t know about you but i’m fucking tired of being the victim. I don’t want to die one.”

He nods and thinks and thinks. Jean might bite a hole in his lip from where it’s pinched between his teeth.

“We can take control of the situation Jean. If we do it right then we get away from them. No more being haunted by the past.”

“Andrew” heartbroken.

“Andrew.” with conviction.

“Ok, i will.” and he means it. He means that he is in it with Andrew no matter where it takes them.


	12. Gilded are the lovers epitaphs

An important question, that no one remembers to ask is: Does Andrew love Jean? Does Jean feel the same way? the answer to both though are undoubtedly the most true thing about either boy. There are things that one can not do without a proficient level of adoration for another. Save them from themselves, Build a future. There are arguably many things where love is not needed that it should be. Marriage, having children, saving someone from a force not themselves.

But the deal that Jean and Andrew made was something born of love, for the sake of love. It’s important to know because the deal they make is not a momentary commitment. It won’t be showered off in the morning before classes, it won’t be finished by an inked due date. It’s like rings in a tree. What they do now will intertwine and impact each other for the rest of their lives.

Andrew does not hesitate to make this deal and Jean does not stutter in his promise. That’s important too. In the way that Jean had been important to Andrew at the age of seven because he was the only one who could understand why there was a reason to be afraid of men with loud words.

Jean understood, he knew Andrew when Andrew did not feel knowable. Andrew with his perfect recall that filled him up with too much grown up pain that it left too little of him available for being a child. He couldn’t relate with the normalness of the world around him. He had a dissonance in him that resonated with Jean


	13. Sweet hearted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The best lovers are friends first.

Andrew falls in love with Jean as child because,

Jean cuts the crusts off of andrew's sandwiches.

He cuts them into four congruent section.

Andrew has sensory issues, the crust of the store bought bread scraping against his tongue makes him gag. The sticky jelly on his fingers from cutting the peanut butter and jelly sandwich means he has to take an extra five minutes to go to the bathroom to wash his hands. Jean carries hand sanitizers along with a plastic knife in his gym bag.

They eat snacks before practice everyday. It’s only been a month but Jean can tell you that Andrew always makes them with strawberry jam and he always bring three sandwiches. Two for Andrew, one for Jean.

Tetsuji has a strict dietary plan for the adopted Moriyama children that does not include mid-day snacking but a chocolate protein drink that is as frivolous as tetsuji will allow.

Andrew told Jean he could only watch him down the awful chalky mess for a week before it was too disgusting to see anymore. This meaning that Andrew gently, for Andrew that is, threw a neatly wrapped sandwich at Jean after checking to see if he had any allergies. It became as much a tradition as Jean cutting Andrews food for him.

Andrew hadn’t asked and neither had Jean. It had developed organically. A thing Jean was not used to, not in the same way that he was used to hours of brutal hard work forcing things into perfections.

On a Wednesday two weeks after Andrew had started to bring Jean food, Jean withdrew the plastic knife cutting his own sandwich before holding out his hand for Andrews paper plate bearing his. Andrew couldn’t watch Jean down Kirkland protein powder mixed with soy milk in the same way Jean didn’t want to see Andrew wash his hands before picking off the crust first , seconded by small chunks of the sandwich later before once again getting up to wash his hands.

The things they could not stand about each other they tried to fix by way of supplementing. A gentle form of caring just aggressive enough to not feel like pity but instead companionship.

Later Andrew would tell Jean that he brought pb&j’s because that was all he was allowed to make himself in the foster home he was in at the times. Most often that was all he was given to eat because of the surplus the house had been given from food pantries over the months. Andrew told Jean that he could slap together the damn sandwiches in under two minutes after a year of practice.

Jean was fed good food. Natural things that never came from a preserved jar but it wasn’t anything fun or nostalgic. There was no coke (andrew’s second favorite drink after fanta) or pb&j’s or mac & cheese. He didn’t complain with Andrew expectantly staring at him to take a bite the first time. He couldn’t have even if he wanted to because it was the best thing he had ever had.

“This is really good.” Their sitting behind a pine tree at the side of the building where they usual break for snack. Andrew laughs at him but it’s not at Jean’s expense.

“Of course it’s good i made it. Three strokes of Peanut Butter , two for Jam.” Jean thinks it’s perfect.

“Thank you.” He means , “thank you for sitting with me and taking the time to make me food.” Andrew gets it.

He looks a bit sick for a second before going quiet. “Don’t thank me for that it’s just a sandwich..” The other boy doesn’t press. There is no need to fracture the amiable silence they have between them just yet. Not for the heaviness of life they’ll always have.

When Jean cuts Andrews food up the smaller boy gets the same expression. “Than- thank- “ That expression hurts Jean like it looks like it’s killing Andrew.

“Don’t thank me, It’s just a sandwich.” Jean smiles for the first time and Andrews shoulders ease before lightly kicking Jeans shin.

“Smartass.” Andrew curses like a sailor which never fails to make Jean pleased to be around him. Andrews quick temper, his navy kissed under eye’s and shared snacks. He feels like a special kinda creature only Jean is allowed to know.

A secret that thrills more often than it hurts.

-

It’s that connection they established so long ago that does not let Andrew's legs get too wary to continue carrying himself and Jean towards the end.

On days with blank eyes


	14. What is a god to a non-believer?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the past isn't the past if you don't kill it first

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one ever has Andrew end up with the Spears and being happy. WTH people. Your welcome.

Jeans sister Claudine had a theory about pain. That it didn’t hurt nearly as much if you ignored it.

“Don’t look, you’re fine. It’s hardly a scrape at at all.” When father had broken her wrist from pushing her down the short flight of cellar stairs she hadn’t once looked at the injury and barely at all after their grandmother had bandaged it with a splint. Not until it had healed did the limb become apart of her bodies vernacular again.

Jean on the other hand, at that age, was haunted by each bruise. Obsessive about the natural phenomenon of his skin pulling together around exposed dermis. He wanted to know everything. When he came to the states he had learned why Claudine ignored the ugly until it had gone away on his own.

If he turned away, didn’t look for a moment, for a week at the affected area then it wasn’t in his memory. If he didn’t see the cane stripes on his back he could focus on what was right in front of him. Exy, his adoptive brothers, Andrew. He could be Jean the hard working son to the world and himself instead of Jean the boy barely able to walk from the pain of his blistered feet. It didn’t exist if he didn’t see it.

And if it didn’t exist then the pain wasn’t real.

But the problem with that is how it’s harder to ignore the pain of others with two perfectly functioning eyes. At once Andrew called attention to himself while deflecting it all the same. His soft pink colored hair said ‘notice me’ but his sleepless bruising eyes said ‘please do not see me’ not the real him.

His eye’s were the most honest part of him. They told Jean that Andrew actually enjoyed english class by the relaxed way they stared at the board, that his favorite dessert was strawberry ice cream by the way they widened slightly when it was offered in the cafeteria and that Drake Spears was Andrew’s boogeyman.

Abuse had made them serious poker players. Abuse had also given them the ability to find the tells in each other. Jeans had been a poorly concealed flinch that had allowed the smaller boy a short series of damning clues to find Tetsuji as the monster in Jeans closet. Andrews was a look of resignation, similar to a fatally wounded soldier in a foreign land succumbing to blood loss.

Just because Jean did not want to look at his own pain didn’t mean he was not observant. If Drake asked Andrew to stay after class to help clean up that meant he would not return to the dorm for at least two hours, On Fridays or Saturdays if Andrew said he was going to study that really meant that Drake had texted him and he would be gone until Sunday save for showing up at practice. It also meant that When Andrew would return he would shower, change his wrist bands before going to bed regardless of the time of day.

They had promised to save each other and while Tetsuji would be a difficult giant to cut down Jean could do something to help Andrew now. One of them had to have a happy ending.

“I have...a friend who needs my help but i don’t think that i can help him by myself.” Renee puts down her turkey club sandwich studying Jeans face. “It’s bad. The thing he needs help with.”

French and English honor roll but he’s stumbling through the conversation like he barely owns two words. It's just them sitting at the table. Dan, Laila and Matt who usually sit with them are at a volunteering event. His sweet potato fries look more and more unappealing with his growing nerves but he’s making himself try. He really is.

“Does it involve killing or hurting anyone?” Renee is a frightening thing. Angelic looking rainbow hair, bright pink lipstick stretched around smiling lips. Jean knows of her very recent past as a gang member so maybe that’s why he’s coming to her when he wants to know how to make someone disappear. Dan, her foster sister who is also an ex-stripper shares a similar smile. 

“No. I don’t know. Maybe. It’s a student teacher here who's...taking advantage of this friend i have and they can’t say no or it could have bad repercussions for their home life.“

It unsettles him the way she goes quiet and he can see the glint from an unsheathed knife in her lap. Renee may be a force of nature but her innate sense of justice is equally as strong. His confidence towards asking her renews.

“Taking advantage of how? Sexually? Blackmailing them?”

“Both. I think but definitely sexually and its not- its not consensual at all. The assistant teacher needs to go….. Its Drake Spears.” And hopefully Jean has given just enough info for Renee to sink her teeth into Drake without knowing its Andrew who's being hurt. Who would be hurt worse if everyone knew.

“We need to have a team meeting.” She hold up her ringed hands “Predators don’t like attention, we don’t have to out the person being hurt but we can make sure that Drake never works with other kids again.” Jean will have to text Andrew to explain the situation because its scary and it could go really, really wrong but he does trust Renee so if Renee says she has a plan that will work he trusts that.

Jean to Andrew: I’ve got a plan. Ok, Renee has a plan.

Andrew to Jean: A plan for what?

Jean to Andrew: Getting rid of Drake. I didn’t tell her it was you.

The scary part is Jean showing his cards. That he knows who Andrew’s abuser is and now Andrew is that much more exposed by Jean knowing.

Jean to Andrew: We can trust her Andrew. You can trust me.

Andrew to Jean: I have to, if you fuck me over then i’m not going to have a family after this.

Jean to Andrew: Team meeting in five. Trust me Andrew. Please.

Andrew to Jean: Fine.

-

“Renee? Why did you call a meeting? Did something happen?” Jeremy sounds concerned but looks calm which is a good thing for Jeans nerves. Andrew hasn’t talked to him, they are sitting apart from each other in the locker room both holding their breath to see how things go.

Its Renee, Jeremy, Jean, Andrew, Alverez, Nicky, Neil, Janie and Allison who got back earlier because she was in town shopping with her mother.

“We need to take out Mr.Spears, He’s been molesting one of our teammates and no i don’t know who it is but it doesn’t matter. He’s molesting one of us if not more. He needs to go.”

“Mr. Spears? Like the assistant p.e. Teacher? How do you even know that someone isn’t making it up because they just don’t like him. It could ruin him if it’s not true.” Janie’s right and so, so wrong because it’s not a light accusation. Andrew’s face looks bloodless but not surprised. He doesn’t expect anyone to protect him.

“It’s not a lie.” Jean says just loud enough to carry. “I know this person, I’ve seen it happening. One of our teammates is suffering and you're trying to take the side of the teacher?” Janie looks like she’s about to turn it into a fight.

“We are going to take care of it and if you don’t want to help you don’t have to but you should leave now.” Janie hesitates to stand despite her earlier statement but she does look at them bashfully

“I know this is serious. I do but like but what if you’re wrong? I won’t say anything I just can’t get into anymore trouble.” She says almost an apology before heading out the locker room door to the parking lot.

“Jean is going to talk with the classmate that is being abused, find out the next time they are supposed to meet up with drake and then one of us is going to go instead and get pictures or film it. We have to get evidence and we need to protect this person's identity. “ technically they only need 3-4 people but the more back up the better.

Jean see’s the look on Andrew's face that says he knows his abuse is going to be exposed to the team sooner or later. How he’s asking himself whether it’s better to rip off the bandaid now or when Drake is calling his name.

Jean knowing is one thing. Jean gets having to keep a secret because your life depends on it but he doesn’t know about the others.

They have nothing to go on but hope. Neither of them knowing if that will be enough.

-

Maybe they keep Andrew out of pity. They already disinherited Drake telling him they don’t want to speak with him again for a very long time, that he should get help. If they notified child services than Andrew would be taken from the home too leaving them childless. So maybe pity is the wrong word but it’s not out of pure love for him that they are keeping him either. It’s selfish. But it feels good.

Andrew has learned a long time ago that he has to take him wins where he can.

The Dean. Dean Dorucate called Cassandra Spears at five in the morning after she had finished interviewing the entire exy team as well as Drake Spears, Tetsuji Moriyama and David Wymack.

Andrew had been meant to meet up with Drake at eight pm after dinner as soon as they had proof of Drakes bad touching they had gone straight to the Dean causing a very tiring panic that had lasted all through the night.

Cass had in turn called Drake and then Andrew. From what Andrew could hear of Drakes conversation, bad did not begin to cover the conversation.

“Andrew did you know?” about their eldest sons pedophile tendencies? That's all Andrew had known of Drake.

“Yes.” He wants to get as close to the truth as he can feeling it burn against his skin without leaving a mark. A moth of a boy tired of the darkness.

“Why didn’t you- Why didn’t you say anything Andrew? Why didn’t you tell us?” he can hear her finding a piece of the truth. “Were you afraid that you would be taken from us?” Afraid is not nearly a big enough word.

“Yes.” he does not mean to affirm so softly, so victim like. Cass swears under her breath. Mr. Spears curses loudly in the background.

“Andrew you need to tell me, I know it’s scary but tell me did Drake touch you?” She’s angry crying. Jean looks concerned. They are sitting in an empty hallway adjacent to the Dean’s office. He blames the lamp light glaring off the walls wood paneling for the tears in his eyes. He’s already had his secret exposed to so many people tonight. He can’t, he can’t do it-

“Andrew we are not going to get rid of you, we don’t have to tell child services about this if you don’t want us to but. Drew you have to say it, you have to tell me so i know. Please.” They both do things for the wrong reason. It must be in the Spears name. Andrews not telling them because he wants to be free of the truth it’s so that he can finally be free of this sweet torment. He’ll get to affirm all his worst fears and move on. Its for the best. To finally know.

“It happened the second month after i arrived. He said it was normal, he was comforting me because he knew that my past foster homes had been bad. I was dumb. I let it slip that i wasn’t a virgin and that i was used to being taken advantage of . I made it easy for him. I was so afraid that you wouldn’t want me because I was damaged and that Drake was the one doing it. I stopped fighting him when you said you were going to adopt me i could handle it. It was just sex. But he came to the academy.” he can’t breathe choking on moisture in his throat. Jean gets up to sit beside him. “And i couldn’t let him rape me anymore, i wanted to die and that would have made you sad but i didn’t know what to do and i couldn’t just take it anymore.”

“Oh Andrew.”

“My team helped. No one knows it was me but they got evidence. I’m not a liar. No one knows its me but i didn’t lie Cass. I’m so sorry please forgive me.” nose running, face read and aching like his chest is. He dreamed of this for so long , it was every bit the raw nightmare he thought it would be.

“Andrew. You listen to me right now. I failed you. I failed you when i was supposed to protect you, I didn’t pay close enough attention to you. You have been struggling to survive this whole time. I should have been better. We should have been better it’s our fault you thought you had to be hurt like this. If. If you want to go to another home I would understand. You should be able to feel safe Andrew. I just want you to be happy.”

Hyperventilating. He knows what its called but it’s never happened to him before so he looks to Jean for help. His chest pistons in and out lungs knocking against his ribs. Jean takes his hand placing it on his own chest trying to calm Andrew.

“YOU DON’T GET IT. ITS My fault. Its my fault. I made it easy for Drake to rape me. I could had fought harder. I should have run away. If i hadn’t stayed you would still have your son. I’m tained and i brought that into your house. “

He doesn’t care. He’s not supposed to care. It’s not supposed to be like this. He is the one that is supposed to be fighting to hold on. Why are they doing this to him?

“Why are you taking my side?” Andrew Doe is not their son in any sense of the word.

“ Andrew you’re a kid. It’s not your job to protect yourself. We are adults. Drake is an adult. We are supposed to know better. You aren’t tainted or bad your hurt. You’re my son Andrew, you have been since you walked through our doors. I loved you since the first exy game you invited us to and I am so , so sorry that any of this happened. If you chose to stay with us i will do whatever it takes to make this up to you. “

The tears won’t stop and Andrew has never cried this much in his entire life. Jean wipes at Andrews face with his thumb and slowly the adrenal of everything starts to wax.

“I want to stay Cass. I want my family.” Now that he is given the choice, for once Andrew wants to stay exactly where he is. At the academy with his team. At the Spear’s with the family he had shed so much blood for. For the life he was going to take back no matter how long it took.


	15. Little bird

There is a facade they must keep now.

Half of their plan executed Tetsuji is more careful than ever moving in a calculated chess careful manner each time he beckons Jean.

Jean does not wear lingeries for Andrew but he does where it and Andrew is there for it. Tetsu asks so Jean does. He wears silk stockings and lace nighties, cute short skirted outfits that are accented by the humiliation they cause.

Andrew returns from the library as usual to Jean shaken like a disturbed tide pool, something Andrew knows to be beautiful despite the murky surface of pain hazing him. He’s always kind of shaky though despite the tall polished air he presents. It looks wrong on jean but he has always been a special sort of soft. Not like Andrew who lashes out, who fights himself as well as everyone in arms reach.

He’s on his bed facing the window, split lip. Fingers running overs a worn hole in his cream stockings. Andrew kisses close to the cut getting blood on his mouth but he’s so gentle Jean doesn’t mind the comforting touch.

It was difficult letting themselves close enough to touch though now it’s a craving of physical stability they cannot go without.

Andrew promises again, like he always does when this happen, in the last two months, “Soon, He won’t be able to hurt you.” Andrew says this even when he missed practice on Friday because he couldn’t get out of bed. But Jean trusts him.

When Andrew Doe, at the age of seven, met Jean Moreau while standing at the Creekside community gym he thought of the robin that had flown into the kitchen window that morning. Small, beautiful, trembling.

After that first practice when Jean’s adoptive father Tetsuji Moriyama come to pick him, Riko and Kevin up he understands. Andrew knows what it’s like to live under a heavy hand the bruises made from grown men's’ hands under his jersey ache in sympathy of the firm hand on Jeans neck leading him to the car. Andrew has never met someone he thinks might know him like that. The quiet hiding part.

Two years later Andrew gets moved to another foster home , the feeling of losing something important. The weight of losing Jean is a heavy car door shutting as he’s taken to yet another home not meant for him. It’s as final too.

He’s wrong, he thought all of that pain as a papercut compared to being roomed with his childhood friend at sixteen. Its cruel how wounded they both are still. Both a victim in their own right. Fate is a disservice to the children they were when it guides their mutual hands.

It’s not like when they were kids and the comfort of someday was a wish. It’s a promise in the way that only this Andrew could deliver. Jean kisses back because when he does the feeling of lace against his ribs becomes a muted sensation. Andrew puts one of his ear plugs into jeans ear and the other in his own laying down against Jean.

Blackbird plays because Andrew knows Jean and he knows what Jean loves like he came from the same dna as his heart. Maybe when the dawn was young before the stars were bright their atoms came from the same burning clusters of light, Jean would like to thinks so.


	16. God save a wretch like me

No one gives a fuck about Andrew.

In the 16 years of his life no one has come to his rescue. His head is a trifling thing making his mouth an unlovable thing making him; A pariah.

A secret that does hurt when you know it not one that thrills the warmth of his heart or the bottom of his belly like Jean does. Like loving Jean does.

Andrew is trying his best damn it , to love Jean when he has never seen a the map of how to loves. Which bus he needs to take from his pain to having open arms. The time the ship will dock to take him to happiness. He was given a pool noodle with no prior knowledge of swimming but he he got in the water for Jean. He is protecting as best he knows how.

Like fire whose kingdom is everything it does not decimate.

Like a storm screaming everything it has lost.

Like death come to take the beautiful so that they endure no more suffering and might know peace.

Andrew Is a soft bloody thing like a punctured aortic valve, It just might be Jean and Cass who have caused that mess. There may be no innocence in this but there has been suffering like it.

Neil picks up on the fifth ring. He could have gone to his dorm room directly but Andrews' fingers shake through the burn of vodka on his tongue.

“Andrew?.” They don’t ask each other what’s wrong but it’s everything. It’s the way that Jeans lungs rattle in his chest. How his palms hold between the nirvana t-shirt and his chest to stem the bleeding.

“I need a set of hands, “ He hates to waste secrets in the air but now is not the time, “That don’t mind getting dirty. “

When he had asked Neil to help him with Drake it should have been the last time. It should have but Jeans broken fingers had called him . All bets were off.

The smell of Tetsuji’s cologne on his fingers threatens his gag reflex he rubs his fingers against the carpet trying to shed any part that had touched him.

“I didn’t mean to i’m sorry. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted him to stop hurting me. I’m sorry.” There is so much blood between them it is a sea with no lighthouse. Dark and warm and damned.

Andrew waits for Neils knock . He waits for the lacerations from shattered jewels of carnival glass on the tile to clot, he waits for Jean to come back to him from the shadow of his jack rabbit heart.

Plans have changed.


	17. 20 degree’s bright 140 degree’s south

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> road trip/camping/happy ending

“What did you do with him?” Andrew is genuinely curious as rare and dangerous a thing as Neil can be.

“My uncle came to get Tetsuji, they went to have a talk.” His english accent reappears on the word uncle. Like a piece of paper turned sideways. It’s easy to forget that neil has bits of him hidden in plain sight.

“Your uncle?” Today marks the start of summer. Classes has ended yesterday and last week Andrew had told Cass about going on a camping trip with some of his team mates. In light of recent events she hadn’t said no. She hadn’t said much but a very low ‘be safe Andrew’, before hanging up.

Jean looks at Nicky from the back of the camper where he is bundled into a sleeping bag. “Stewart.” Andrew presses into his side more enjoying the sense of exhausted relief coming from Jean instead of suffocating endurance like before.

Neil nods from where he is driving looking in the mirror at Andrew. “My uncle Stewart is my guardian. He is also the head of England's largest crime syndicate. He was not pleases to know his only nephew was at a school with not one but two child rapist. He’s very persuasive.” Nicky still looks confused because unlike Andrew this information was only becoming relevant to after having been with the team for two years.

Shifting perception takes time. Aaron on the other side of Nicky beside the window opens a bag of fritos and twizzlers giving his cousin something to fidget with while everyone is being so honest. Jeremy, also in the camper smiles at Jean before returning to his gameboy.

Kevin and Riko had returned to the house leaving early at six a.m. that morning after a brief stuttering call from Jean. They were not the only ones handling the fallout in their own lives but theirs would be the most public if things got out of hand.

“You know a lot of things makes sense about you knowing that.” Nicky surprisingly doesn’t seem too shocked someone should tell his face this with his eyebrows drawn together in a way that feels semi-permanent.

“Like how you know how to make really good fake ids and passports.” Aaron supplies almost happily at the thought of illegal activities. .

“Or how you speak three languages. By the way will you teach me french?” Jeremy supplies not unkindly while playing cooking mama.

Renee, Allison and Laila thankfully are taking a separate car or the conversation would have turned more of an inquisition than a conversation by this point.

Andrews hand in Jeans he stars at the passing line of trees out the window content to enjoy the fact that both of them are safe.

“Will Stewart be able to stop Tetsuji from coming back? Does he have that much power over the Moriyama’s?” he’s content but he needs to be sure.

“ Its business. Neither Lord Kengo or my uncle are going to be happy about having their assets endangered like this. Me, Jean, Kevin and Riko. This could have been a lot worse than it was, Lord Kengo will care about that. Plus we are all almost legally adults so i’m sure Tetsuji will be banished to some other nicely ranking job where he can do no harm far away from here. If my father doesn’t kill him.”

The thought of Neil’s father, with the same demon like blue eyes and hair as red as blood killing Tetsuji feels like justice. Even if that ends up not being the case it’s nice to think about.

Somewhere along the way Andrew started to feel old. Like an older decrepit person had crawled into the hollowness of his bones. As if he had been robbed of his youth before it was his. Andrew has never felt young just tired. He wonder if that could change now because he is done with being the victim. he really is. After so many years his wounds, made to stay open had stopped hurting and he really is ready to feel better.

“Thank god.” Jean is exhausted too. They pass a sign that says 83 miles until the next town which is another 15 from the camping grounds they are going to. Jeans hands holds onto Andrews tight as they hold onto the idea that things can be different now. Andrew is the only one close enough to hear Jean , he puts his hand that had been resting behind Jean on the back of the taller boys neck. It’s as close as a kiss as they are going to get at the moment but that doesn’t make it any less intimate.

“I keep my promises.” Andrew had been ready for hell or high water. Had been ready to kill their problems and literally bury their pasts. It had been fortunate the way it had worked out. That the team had helped incriminate Drake with photos that had been sent to a headmaster who had silently but effectively not only fired Drake but banned him from seeking any other teaching jobs ever again . Though it had also been exposed to the Spears who has disinherited Drake to deal with the shame of such a scandal, Andrews name had blissfully been left out of the situation. And the way Jean had snapped after one very long day giving Tetsui the beating he had deserved before Neils uncle came to resolve the mess.

Things didn't work out for people like Jean and Andrew. They got worse and never got better but sometimes in spite of everything things turned out ok. That's going to be the hardest part for them really. Accepting that things don’t have to hurt. .

“-Were going to drink, Renee’s bringing board games, were going to swim in the lake too and set off fireworks.”

“ And eat a concerning amount of ice cream and sleep in.” Andrew closes his eyes, cheek pressed into Jeans shoulder sagging with sleep as he listens to Nicky and Jeremy. Aaron is asleep in the front as well lulled by the wind passing over the truck. It’s not so bad to daydream in the idyllic picture the older boys paint.

It’s not bad at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Some final tidbits to help.
> 
> This takes places around 2006-2008. 
> 
> Andrew and Jean live a state or so apart but its in the eastern U.S where states are smaller so not too big of a deal. Tetsuji has a house close to campus like he did with the ravens. 
> 
> the team is made up of foxes, trojans and ravens. There is varsity and JV both teams having a lot of alternates. They all travel together and practice against each other. 
> 
> The jv team is made up of foxes and the varsity team is made up of the ravens and trojans though with how good both teams are the biggest diff. is that the varsity is Tetsuji's hand picked dream team. 
> 
> Neil is under Stewart's protection he doesn't have to worry about his parents but he is still Moriyama property like canon. 
> 
> As for how they got Drake i always imagined it like that seen in Shameless where the dude thinks he's get a bj by one person and then another person steps in and take a pic. idk haha it sounded clever enough if i left it vague. if i had a expanded on it it probably woulda sounded less good. 
> 
> Also Luther takes in Aaron and sends them both to the boarding school which coincidently is where they run into Andrew though in this verse Andrew and Aaron write to each other (at nickys meddling, see:nagging).


End file.
